As many of you know, I have a slightly irrational obsession with all things British, so this is definitely a wonderful little trip. I'm actually really excited to also use this experience to semi-test the waters of still "living" abroad in my future. If I've learned one thing from my time abroad so far it's that it's harder than it looks to be away from one's country, family, and friends. I had previously thought that I could live abroad no problem and love it, but as I spend more time away from America and all the things I've left behind, I miss them more and appreciate them like never before. Paris and traveling is great and all, but I feel like I'll probably want to kiss the airport floor when I return aux Etats-Unis. We'll see if London has any effect on this...
So last time I wrote I was getting ready to head to Poland for the weekend. This trip happened three weekends ago, and I think it's really been the cause of me not writing on here. Don't get me wrong, it was a life-changing experience. The program was flawlessly organized and I met some really wonderful kids from all over the country. The subject matter was just so heavy and draining though that I think I couldn't bear to relive it all so soon after visiting.
We began our 4-day weekend in Krakow which is a beautiful city in the Fall time. Leaves were changing, parks were full, bagel-things were a-plenty, and there was lots to see and do. We explored areas such as the Main Market Square, the old Jewish quarter, and the former ghetto. The Jewish quarter was its own town at the time called Kazimierz. It was really strange for me to be there because of how many times I've seen Schindler's List which is meant to take place right where I was. We learned how Krakow had around 60,000 Jews before the war and how only about 160 returned to the city after the war ended. I believe our leader said that today there is just a fraction of that number currently living in the city. We saw the old synagogue (now a museum) and walked around one that is still in use today. This site also had a chilling cemetery where most if not all of the stones had been removed by the Nazis either as a form of vandalism or in order to use the stones for construction projects. After the war, many were brought back but alas they are now just randomly placed. Some are just fragments.
It was really strange to see how many little things are left around the areas we visited from the period of the war. For example, mezuzot had been removed from door-frames leaving odd slanted holes in the wood which are still seen today. Also prevalent were swastikas, but most were actually drawn and had anti-Nazi slogans written below. Throughout the trip it was very evident how much Poland is still affected by its past. The country seems cursed almost, like it can't shake the memories of the horrors that took place 70 years ago.
The whole of Auschwitz I is set up like a museum. People can only walk through on a guided tour and on a set path. We made our way through the little camp (Auschwitz I was just the main location; in reality there were over 40 other camps branched off which collectively make up Auschwitz) and its brick buildings. It's so hard for me to describe this experience...I was constantly reminded of all I had previously studied while walking around--the films I've watched, the testimonies I listened to, the stories I've read. It was just so weird to actually be there and have my previous knowledge make this place that now shone with sunshine and had bright green grass covering it's lawns turn back into the chilling place it was created to be.
Certain things really brought my thoughts back to the history of the place. All the fences have been left intact, and to see the barbed wire everywhere and thinking about it buzzing with electricity sent chills down my spine on the otherwise sunny and warm fall day. It was so bizarre to be at Auschwitz on a day like that. Whether it's from always viewing the place through black and white images with hardly any foliage or from listening to god-awful testimonies of people who had been kept there, it was stupidly unexpected that I found myself in such a physically bright place. It's like I forgot that Auschwitz was a place outdoors where birds could live, grass could grow, and the sun could hover above. I was constantly reminded of a survivor's testimony which I heard in my Holocaust class last Fall at Penn. In her testimony, she memorably stated: "The sun was not the sun." But it was on the day I was there, and that was the strangest part. It's like the sun didn't belong at Auschwitz.
We walked through the rooms that the had been set up, and I found myself a little surprised at how "museum-y" the place felt. Most of the rooms where prisoners had previously slept had been converted to showcase different parts of camp life and the Nazi regime. I guess this is sort of necessary for the majority of visitors who only have time to visit one camp. We went to Birkenau the following day which has been kept almost exactly as it was. More on that later...
It's hard to talk about all the horrifying things on display at Auschwitz I. For those who have been to the Holocaust museum in DC and remember the shoe exhibit, imagine a room with shoes, one with luggage, one with items taken from prisoners, and most upsetting a room full of human hair. I was so disturbed after this room that it was honestly hard to keep going. We made our way through a prison (too sad to share stories from this place), some rooms showing how the prisoners lived/slept, and finally to the gas chamber. Up until this point I now realize that I was slowly building up my emotions at being here. Until entering this room, I had kept my cool, observed all the artifacts as I have during my studies, and overall just tried to wrap my brain around the realization that this really was Auschwitz.
Entering the chamber however I completely lost it. It has honestly been the most terrifying place I have ever set foot in. I couldn't believe how small it actually was, and I couldn't help but think as I entered it how lucky I was to be able to walk back out through the door. I looked up while inside and directly above my head was a hole in the ceiling where the Nazi soldiers would drop down the pellets of Zyklon B. I couldn't stop seeing the shot from Boy in the Striped Pajamas when this is happening, and it felt like I was actually about to be at my death. I could just imagine the masked Nazi dumping out the can right above me in this cold room jammed with others. I was just so overwhelmed at this point that I had to leave the chamber but unfortunately not before seeing the crematorium which was literally the next room over.
Being at Auschwitz brought out feelings I wasn't ever expecting to develop. Throughout my tour I was surprised that I really just kept thinking about how I wanted to leave. Though I know it sounds morbid, I have always wanted to make this pilgrimage sometime in my life. I was "looking forward" to finally getting a firsthand look at this place I had researched so much, and yet I absolutely couldn't wait to get off its grounds. Another emotion that grew inside me at the end after leaving the gas chamber was a surprising burst of red-hot anger. I ripped off my headset and trailed behind the rest of the group as we made our way to the exit. I couldn't understand it at the time, but all I knew was that I wanted to kick something really hard or else smash my headset to the ground. It's almost like I was mad at having to listen to this saga (which I voluntarily put myself though). Even now as I write this, it's just so hard to convey properly my feelings at Auschwitz. Of course I am...what's the word? Not "happy", but "relieved" or else "thankful" that I have gotten to go and pay tribute to those who were murdered, but it's just so hard to put into words an experience like that.
We spent our last day in Poland at Birkenau and at the Auschwitz Jewish Center in Oswiecim talking about the weekend. As I said before, Birkenau has been left almost perfectly intact with the exception of what the Nazis destroyed before the Allies arrived (like 2 huge gas chambers). The camp was much larger than Auschwitz I, for this was a true work camp and an unbelievable number of people lived here at one time. With many fewer tourists walking around and the fact that the camp was left as it was (not museum-y), Birkenau truly had the feel of what I was expecting to experience at Auschwitz. It was horrible.
Now that I've probably lost all of my readers and thoroughly depressed everyone, let me just say in summary that the weekend was a really educational and fascinating trip. I met some really wonderful students on the program who all made some fantastic contributions to the discussions. We were able to meet with two different women from the period (one was a Polish prisoner who survived the camp and one was a child whose family secretly hid a young Jewish girl) and had the privilege to visit so many sites, museums, and memorials. Needless to say, it was an experience I will never forget but also one I am not looking to repeat anytime soon.
